No time like the present

I've learned over the last few weeks that life is all to short and there is no time to waste on grudges, hate, regret, or anything that doesn't make you happy!! It's not that it's a new lesson, I've known all along but things take place in your life that bring truths to a place where they can no longer be ignored. On May 15, 2011 my life was forever changed. I received a call from my best friends husband telling me that something was wrong. I was informed that she fell out and was not breathing and her heart was not beating. I lost all composure and began to pray, he told me he would call me back, that the paramedics were working on her and he would call me when he had more information.

I sat at my computer and cried and prayed waiting for him to call me back. All shorts or thoughts went through my head. What seemed like an eternity, finally he called only to tell my husband that my best friend of almost twenty years passed away. I cried and screamed and yelled NO but it didn't matter. She was gone from this world and on to the next. I have felt so alone in these last couple of weeks, yes I have my husband and children and other friends but none like Tracy. She was my Ace the person I called about virtually everything, the person that broke down the walls that I have up and loved me regardless of all my faults. Anytime I called her she was always there, when other friends let me down she was in my corner. I'm so deeply sadden by the loss of my friend but I'm so very grateful to have met her and shared apart of my life with her. She showed me what a real friend was and although my heart is heavy, I smile with every tear I cry. I have no regrets regarding our friendship, we both knew how much we loved each other and we had a wonderful friendship that I will forever cherish.

In death you look at life and what you're doing with yours and I want more than ever to live my life to the very fullest. I want to cherish those little things that at times we take for granted. My advice would be to all who have ears to hear....love those in your life, take time with your family and friends. Get rid of those that are not for your good. This loss has been devastating to me and I find myself crying just thinking of her and the fact that she is not with me anymore. My husband told me that she is still with me and always will be....I explained I'm not crying for her, I'm crying for me because I don't have her here....we can't laugh together anymore, I can't call her anymore. I was then reminded that there is new laughter to be had and new life coming forth!! She would want me to
(K. I. M- Keep it moving) I can hear her voice telling me to stop crying and letting me know that she is alright and that I must press forward. With those thoughts I will press on and live my life to the fullest for this is what she would have wanted. If you have a true best friend, let them know often that you love and appreciate them!

Tracy Vickers Dejerinett you will forever be in my heart and with me ALWAYS!!! I love You













 

Catch up!

It's been a moment since I last wrote so I figured it was time to continue. In my last post I stated that I'd just recently found out about a new addition to our family and although not planned and a bit scary it is a welcomed blessing. The fact is I wanted another child, we just weren't certain if it could happen or if the timing would ever be right. Well it's just fine, the timing is what it is! I have made it past my first trimester and wow was it different. I mentioned in a previous post that I wasn't experiencing any morning sickness.......well I spoke to soon! The morning sickness did rear it's ugly head and I now have a better understanding. I didn't experience that with my first two pregnancies and I'm so glad it's over!!

In the first three months there is not a whole lot to talk about other then nausea and blah. There is a lot taking place but unless you tell those around you, no one knows you're expecting. Well the cat is out the bag now...I'm not horribly big but you can tell or you just think I'm drinking a lot of beers. It's been a world wind journey so far. I had my second sonogram on March 30, 2011 and it was amazing. The first sono 2/28/11  was  just a small speck on the screen and doesn't look like much but the growth that took place in a months time was none short of spectacular.

To see my baby on the screen moving around and kicking brought tears to my eyes. I know I've done this before but there is something so magical about each time. I'm so excited for each new day and the changes it brings. I still find myself thinking "Wow, I'm pregnant" I have had moments where I become afraid of the what ifs but then I remember, God's got it all in control and if I believe and trust in him everything else will fall into place.

My husband continues to refer to the fetus as "him" or "He" we shall see soon enough. He rubs my tummy and talks to the baby, which I love!! We are in a great place, the kids are excited and anxiously awaiting the arrival of their sibling. My daughter who  is nine ask lots of questions and reads books about the development so she knows what's taking place and how big the baby currently is ( a peach). My son whose  older and more reserved (he's happy) he just may not say it as much as his sister does. Another big event that happened this month was (Drum roll please) I felt the baby move for the first time on April 13, first while at work and then later while at home!! I'm excited about each new day and all it brings!

Sometimes

There are days when I'm sad, others when I'm mad. Sometimes I wonder about the past, other times I worry about the future; but then there are days when I just enjoy NOW!! When I look at my life and all those in it,  I say "Thank You God for all you've done for ME" For each breath I'm allowed to take. My beautiful family and friends!!! My health and my wealth, although it may not be millions it's more than many. Thank God for my job, even though some days I think it sucks. My car that gets me to and from. The traveling mercy I receive on a daily basis. I just look at it all and enjoy the moments the little things in life, with no regard to what will happen next year or even tomorrow. The laughter and the tears are all things I'm grateful to experience.

Sometimes I just look in the mirror and smile, thinking what a mighty long way I've come. I listen to my children laugh and play and  it brings delight to my soul. Sometimes I just enjoy the moments that I've been so fortunate to have, cause spending time worrying does me no good. I'd rather just enjoy the NOW!

Sometimes........

Continued

I received the phone call regarding the HCG levels and they are going up as expected!! I'm still kinda in a state of shock and I find myself worrying about the little things. I have told a few more people. My mom, which was funny...I bought her a card that said congrats to the grandparents! It was really cool to watch her expression as she read it! I know she thought it was a Birthday card since her Birthday was the next day. She was excited and surprised. I'll tell my Dad soon, when I pay my next visit to see him and his wife.

We still haven't told our children just yet, not sure exactly what were waiting on but just haven't told them. We haven't told my sister yet either or any of my husbands family but we have a big event coming up and that will be the best time to tell his side of the family.

No nausea or any symptoms to speak of but I didn't have those with the other pregnancies either, so yeah me!! Well I'm sleepy alot and a  little cramping but that's it!! Not sure when my first Dr. Appointment will be (awaiting their call to schedule it) but I'm excited to see what comes next. The plan or not....... what will be will be and I know it's a blessing and I/we plan to enjoy the journey!

Until next time :)

Surprise

We decided that we would wait, at least a year to expand our family. Was I happy with this decision? Not exactly but I was willing to go with it. All I heard my husband of  ten years saying was he didn't want me to have his child! Not the fact that we have so much going on right now and in a year we can see more clearly.  There's only twelve months in a year and it'll give us time to get our head around somethings and be certain this is the direction in which we want to take our lives! This conversation was had last month. Well on Tuesday after we decided we should do something about the contraceptive situation (I had already decided to get back on something, I don't like the hormonal stuff but for now it'll do)



I decided to take a pregnancy test.......well what is that? Is that a faint line?

What does that even mean? Okay just to give you some background it's five o clock in the morning and I'm trying to be quiet so no one can hear me and  no one wakes up. I feel excited and scared at the same time. This wasn't the plan, am I really? OMG it's been so long since I've seen two lines on a pregnancy test (9 years). Shyt, let me consult a friend since I don't wanna tell my husband just yet. "Yep my line was faint too" She Say's!! I'm excited, I'm nervous, and I feel responsible. This isn't exactly a surprise as we all know where babies come from but honestly I wasn't expected it either. We weren't behaving like we wanted to wait. But deep down there was apart of me that didn't think it would happen. I have had some problems physically and I kinda didn't see it as a possibility. I wanted it but I didn't truly believe it would happen and so we just kinda went with the flow. After my faint line I decided to make some phone calls.

I call the Doctor and went in to get blood work done on 2/8/11 results take 24-48 hours to come back.  I received a call and they confirmed that indeed I am expecting. It's time to tell hubby....he responded but not the way I imagined, he repeated me like he didn't hear me the first time or he needed confirmation of what I stated. We discussed it and are moving forward, we are happy yet a bit nervous.  I have another blood test today 2/11/11 since that one was taken so early they wanna make certain the levels are going up as they should. I've only informed three people thus far. The Mister and two dear friends of mine.

I feel blessed and elated but at the same time I feel scared and UN prepared. I know this is going to be a journey of excitement and changes and I plan to write about it sharing my thoughts and feelings along the way.

I'm just saying

Never would have made it this far without the Grace of God and I'm forever Thankful!!! Despite what I've been through or how great the pain may have been I MADE IT!

Even when...

Thank God I'm over it NOW.......

The storm is over!

Exhausted

As you've heard me mention in other post, I'm a happily married mother of two. I've been married for ten years to my high school sweet heart. I had my first child at eighteen and my second at age twenty three. My children are now ages fourteen and nine. I ALWAYS said I never wanted anymore children!! When my daughter was just an infant and I stood in the shower crying my eyes out I vowed I would never go thru that again.

Well about a year ago....something changed. Although I kept this to myself for months on end simply because I couldn't say it out loud, I felt some kinda way about how I was feeling. What was it? Some call it baby fever but I had never felt it before so why would it start now. I dealt with in in silence, secretly thinking how nice it would be to have another little one running around and to be pregnant again. To go thru pre school and all of life's first.

I finally decided to talk to my husband about how I was feeling, thinking he's gonna think I'm crazy as hell. To my surprise my husband was completely on board with the idea! Wow all this time I was sorta afraid to tell him and he was thinking the same thing. We talked about it and continue to talk about it, well mostly I continue to talk about it and question many things.

1. Have we waited too late, our kids are getting pretty big it's like starting over?
2. Is it the right decision?
3. Are we too old.....Don't answer that
4. How will the kids take it, will they be happy or annoyed at a crying baby?
5. What if something goes wrong?


 These are just a few things I continue to question. Were dealing with some things financially also, not major but our four bedroom two bathroom home as most homes right now, the interest is INSANE and we are trying to stay above water but hell some days I just wanna throw in the towel and down grade to something more affordable. I love my house and two car garage, we all have our own space here but it's getting to be unworthy of  the hassle. But as Tyler Perry said " you're worried about your house and how you gonna pay this and what the neighbors are gonna think, hell they struggling too....don't worry about what they think, MOVE!" I just feel like such a loser to think of having a child and living with my mom or in an apartment. I have my health, I have a loving family and in my heart I want to expand my family and the thought of creating another life with my husband makes me feel all warm inside.

I trip myself out that I have all these questions and stress myself out. Granted it's a huge decision but honestly most people don't consider having kids they have sex and end up pregnant. Hell some women don't even know who fathered their child and here I am in a loving marriage for several years and I hesitate.

Until next time!

Truth be told!

I'm so completely in love with my husband. I love our relationship, the talks, the laughter! See I never wanted to be the girl who's husband was her best friend. It just always sounded so cheesy to me. I have grown so much and I've realized he truly is my rock.  He comforts me when I'm in pain or sorrowful. He lifts me up when I'm down. He corrects me when I'm wrong but in such a gentle way. He is everything I could ever imagine and hope for in a man. I'm so blessed to have met him and come this far with him. We met back in the day when we were teenagers....I was walking with my friends to the store house and I thought he was cute but not really my type, well fifteen years, two kids and a dog later look at us now and I truly couldn't ask God for anything better (other than to be really, really, wealthy!) Trust I went thru the thug phase and thankfully got over that shyt cause ahhh nah.

Our relationship hasn't been peaches and cream but it has been enormously worth it and I wouldn't change it for the world! You will hear some people say that they don't need a man and some will settle for less than a real man either way it's all bullshyt. Every women deserves a good man, someone to come home to and talk about their day or a shoulder to cry on. Someone to just sit on the sofa and snuggle and watch movies with. Sounds really homo don't it? Well it's freakin awesome! All that in the club smoking and drinking and shaking yo ass is fine for a while but after it's all said and done.....companionship is what I think most people crave..even if they don't say it out loud.