Damages

I sometimes wish I could rewrite my story. Start all over or at least from about age twelve. I'm not thinking along the lines of making a New Year's resolution, I mean erase and start a new.  I wouldn't delete too many scenario's from my life's story, just the one's I think I could have done without. I'm so blemished due to things that took place in my life. I wish I wasn't exposed to that pornographic magazine with those images, that still have my mind fucked up about sex till this day. Some would say it was a good thing. Since I married my high school sweetheart and have only been with him sexually and I'm happy as I could be with our marriage however, there are still times when I have to fight the thoughts that sex is dirty. I wish I wasn't so shut off and unable to show emotion more often without fear.  I wish I could have gone to college and been a little wild and had my children at about age twenty five instead of age eighteen. I wish I didn't feel like I'm playing catch up with the clubbing and going out. I wish I wasn't so often misunderstood.  I wish I didn't look to others for approval on some things. I wish I could freely and honestly express how I feel.  I wish I never met some of those people from my past. I wish my brother was still alive. I wish I hadn't shared that information with anyone regarding that Lil attraction I felt for him.....especially my husband. I wish I didn't know that was your opinion about the situation. I wish we never had that conversation.  I wish you hadn't found and read my journal which contained very personal thoughts. Since I can't do a reprint on my life, I'll just have to take these things and learn from them.  Don't misunderstand... my life isn't terrible, for the most part I have it good. Like many others I just think if things were different or I made different decisions things would be better. Like maybe I could be further in my life. Who knows, things could be worst. I have to continually reassure myself that all of the experiences I've had, have shaped and molded me to be who I am and for that I give thanks and press on. Overall even with the damages I'm hopeful and eternally grateful!! Imagine Me!

The Frighteners

So Christmas has come and gone and it was indeed a wonderful day for the most part. My family came over, we had dinner, opened presents, laughed and watch some Christmas movies! However during this wonderful time I noticed something that I think I've always known. I DO NOT have the spirit of hospitality. I enjoy being with my family and the laughter, but making plates and being the hostest with the mostest....nah that is not my forte. I'd rather take everyone out to a nice dinner and pay for it, then have the extra kids running thru the house. I like order and everything in it's place!! I'm starting to notice alot about me lately. Could it be the fast approaching New Year? I don't know, what I do know is I let everything around me dictate how I feel and what I wanna do. From what others say (their opinions) to what they are doing in their lives. I compare myself to others often, that shit has got to stop!! I have to stop letting the advice of others determine what my decisions will be. It's okay to talk to family and friends but when you allow them to make your decisions that's taking it too far. I think it's partly unintentional or even unconscious, example....I made a decision, or me and my husband made a decision. We discussed it, thought it over, looked at the pros and cons and made up our minds. It was a done deal. I however decided to discuss it with a friend, do you know by the end of the conversation my decision was wavering. What the hell, wait....because of what my friend said I began to question the decision that me and my life partner had already made! Don't get me wrong, when a friend brings up valid points you should certainly consider. When you and your partner have decided to have a child and your friend suggest you get a dog.....question your friend not your decision!!

I vow from now until death to stop being frightened all the time.  I will make my own decisions based on my own life, my abilities and what I want to do. Never to allow those around me to influence those decisions one way or the other. I will continue to indulge in conversation and allow others to voice their opinions and I voice mine with a clear understanding, opinions are like assholes everybody has one. I promise to stop looking at the lives of those around me and thinking mine should in any way resemble theirs or that life should look a certain way. I promise myself that I will stop being so afraid of what it looks like to others or being scared of what someone may say or think. Furthermore I promise myself to look thru my heart vs my eyes to live and love from the inside out.

How many of us have them?

I saw a quote and was inspired "Sometimes you put up walls not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down" I love that and it speaks volumes to me!! I have always wanted to have my girls (Friends) near me, a big circle of real friends; you know the whole ride together die together thing (bad boys for life). but I've found that task harder then it appears in the movies. See in the movies people screw up and say sorry and then go back to being the best of friends. The story plays out a little different in real world.

Depending on what my friends have done, I find it harder to just say "I forgive you" and truly mean it. I had a friend who I've know for years, I"m talking middle school....I'm in my thirties now...we have had our ups and downs, but there were a few things that took place that made me question the friendship. The thing that sticks out the most is when my brother passed away and I called her to tell her what happened, her response was one I didn't expect, she asked me if he was standing in the wrong place? Huh?

(My brother was crushed to death by what is called a roll of paper, at a boating dock. The rolls weigh an enormous amount, there is suppose to be a system in place, where the flagger lets the crane operator know when it's okay to start moving the rolls. There was a mistake....my brother was NOT  clear before the flagger gave the go ahead, hence my friends stupid ass question) What does that have to do with anything? She didn't come to see about me, she didn't come to the funeral, she just simply wasn't there. I have never truly been able to forgive her for that. This was a time in my life if never before where I really needed her support. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would have dropped everything and rushed to her side.

I've always wanted those around me, who called themselves friends to be the kinda friend to me, that I've been to them. Sometimes that's what I receive others times not so much. I sometimes wonder if maybe I'm asking to much, maybe people don't have to call you. Maybe I shouldn't expect you to hear that mutter in my voice and know that something is wrong,  although that's what I do. I read in a book once that you can't try to fill up someones cup with 12 ounces of water when they only have an 8 ounce cup. That made me look at things a little differently, I'd never really thought of it that way before. Perhaps she just didn't have enough room in her cup to be there for me, in the way I'd always thought I'd been there for her. Maybe I wasn't as good of a friend to her as I'd always imagined. Honestly, I can't recall ever a time when she called me and I wasn't there to talk or listen. When we lost contact, I searched and found you.

Maybe all this time I was wrong, maybe I'll never know. I think apart of me wanted to keep the friendship simply because I'd had it so long.  I no longer talk to this friend, it was time to move on and although I will always love her from afar, it was in our best interest to part ways. It pains me because I truly thought we'd always be friends.  I'm in a different place now and I think we have out grown each other. I no longer look to you for comfort or advice, your opinion doesn't hold the weight it once did. When I want to make life changing decisions, you're not the person I call because some of the advice you gave, no longer fits into the direction my life is going. I'm no longer the person I once was (Thank God) I have grown and view things so much differently now....you can't hold me to standard that once held true. My opinions have changed, that statement I made six months ago, well I changed my mind.

I am grateful for those that are in my life and I have come to know as true friends, the ones that allow me to change my mind and not hold me to those opinions I once viewed as correct. The one's that I tell "there is nothing wrong" and they break down those walls because they care enough. To those I've lost, I thank you for your time spent with me on the journey and wish you the very best as you continue on without me.

My Berlin Wall

So I've been told that I have too many walls up, or that I'm mean or simply not vulnerable enough. Well I suppose that's true to some degree but not completely. I've was told at a young age that I should say whatever I wanted to say by my father, now let me explain. My father told me this when I was maybe six or seven and he never explained how much trouble that may cause in my life! Looking back I think he was  saying I could freely express myself with him not so much the entire world. I have always done just what my Daddy said and turns out it's not the best advice. I've since learned to tone myself down drastically when dealing with others...however if you were/are someone I call friend I had (notice the past tense use of the word) this awful habit of being really blunt about whatever the situation may have been. I've realized now that wasn't the way to go, but as a teenager, if I thought you were being stupid I had no problem telling you just that! I have made many apologizes due to my non tactfulness. I've always been the strong one in my group of peers or so it has always seemed,  I didn't care about much and it grew over the years to a point where people would do things, thinking that It wouldn't hurt me, who me, the warrior? Nah she has a heart of steel (or so it seemed) again this was nothing more than my exterior my interior is one the other hand a very different texture. Unlike the warrior princess I appear to be on the outside my insides would be screaming and crying like a toddler! How could you say that to me? That hurt my feelings :( but of course being so strong (or so it seemed to the naked eye) I would never admit to anything! You will never see me cry...that is for weak little people (no seriously I hate crying in front of others) it makes me feel small. My walls that I have built over the years have protected me from those that may set out to hurt me, however I think they have also kept most of me hidden from those around me. Never allowing them in to really know me.  It's taken me years to come outta that hard exterior and truthfully I'm still not completely out. Truth be told I'm unbelievably mushy, yeah I said it Mushy. The slightest thing can hurt my feelings, I cry all the time. I'm learning to allow my walls to come down in those friendships, because people need to know the real me in all my glory!! Those who have stuck around have dealt with all my crap and have seen me blossom and retreat from my safety shell because I no longer wanna be in that place protected while at the same time hidden away. 

Traffic

Let's talk about how annoying it can be just to be in traffic!! Okay so this morning on my way to work on 1-95N people are pressing the brakes for no apparent reason when there isn't a thing in front of them. "What are you doing?" is what I'm thinking, then there is a car in the middle lane driving like forty MPH, okay I know that is the minimum speed but really?!!! It's an expressway key word being express, either drive or get the Heck outta the way. I thought once of getting a tag in the front of my car that stated "Slower traffic keep right" and why oh why don't people yield at a yield sign? That means slow up make sure nothing is coming and then proceed with caution...NO people will roll right thru a freakin yield sign and will darn near run you off the freaking road. Oh and then when you're (I'm) at a yield sign, why won't people, when there is nothing on the other side just move over? What the hell? Why would you just keep driving when you can clearly see that I'm tryna get over....see that's just rude!! Then it's those people who are behind you at a yield sign right on your azz...listen I'm gonna yield so you gotta wait dammit!! Let's not forget about those who clearly see a mile ahead that you need to get over (you know the big bright arrow that is blinking) why you wait till you get to the sign and then expect to be allowed in uhhh (NO) you saw that sign just like me.....what did you think? you could just by pass everybody else, you aint special, I hope nobody let's you in!!! Last but not least, okay if you are traveling down a two lane street (in one direction so technically its a four lane)let's use Moncrief Rd for example if there are two cars on both sides and they are going the same speed, you can't get around so stop it!!!! I know some people do this on purpose (Guilty) the reason is becuz why you speeding like you can go thru me? So to teach a very valuable lesson I will on purpose (only once or twice) keep the same speed as the car on the side of me! So often when I'm driving I just have to whooo sahhhh to make it thru cause I just don't understand!! Check out Mr. Kingsley who said it better then I could!! Happy Driving yall :)