How many of us have them?

I saw a quote and was inspired "Sometimes you put up walls not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down" I love that and it speaks volumes to me!! I have always wanted to have my girls (Friends) near me, a big circle of real friends; you know the whole ride together die together thing (bad boys for life). but I've found that task harder then it appears in the movies. See in the movies people screw up and say sorry and then go back to being the best of friends. The story plays out a little different in real world.

Depending on what my friends have done, I find it harder to just say "I forgive you" and truly mean it. I had a friend who I've know for years, I"m talking middle school....I'm in my thirties now...we have had our ups and downs, but there were a few things that took place that made me question the friendship. The thing that sticks out the most is when my brother passed away and I called her to tell her what happened, her response was one I didn't expect, she asked me if he was standing in the wrong place? Huh?

(My brother was crushed to death by what is called a roll of paper, at a boating dock. The rolls weigh an enormous amount, there is suppose to be a system in place, where the flagger lets the crane operator know when it's okay to start moving the rolls. There was a mistake....my brother was NOT  clear before the flagger gave the go ahead, hence my friends stupid ass question) What does that have to do with anything? She didn't come to see about me, she didn't come to the funeral, she just simply wasn't there. I have never truly been able to forgive her for that. This was a time in my life if never before where I really needed her support. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would have dropped everything and rushed to her side.

I've always wanted those around me, who called themselves friends to be the kinda friend to me, that I've been to them. Sometimes that's what I receive others times not so much. I sometimes wonder if maybe I'm asking to much, maybe people don't have to call you. Maybe I shouldn't expect you to hear that mutter in my voice and know that something is wrong,  although that's what I do. I read in a book once that you can't try to fill up someones cup with 12 ounces of water when they only have an 8 ounce cup. That made me look at things a little differently, I'd never really thought of it that way before. Perhaps she just didn't have enough room in her cup to be there for me, in the way I'd always thought I'd been there for her. Maybe I wasn't as good of a friend to her as I'd always imagined. Honestly, I can't recall ever a time when she called me and I wasn't there to talk or listen. When we lost contact, I searched and found you.

Maybe all this time I was wrong, maybe I'll never know. I think apart of me wanted to keep the friendship simply because I'd had it so long.  I no longer talk to this friend, it was time to move on and although I will always love her from afar, it was in our best interest to part ways. It pains me because I truly thought we'd always be friends.  I'm in a different place now and I think we have out grown each other. I no longer look to you for comfort or advice, your opinion doesn't hold the weight it once did. When I want to make life changing decisions, you're not the person I call because some of the advice you gave, no longer fits into the direction my life is going. I'm no longer the person I once was (Thank God) I have grown and view things so much differently now....you can't hold me to standard that once held true. My opinions have changed, that statement I made six months ago, well I changed my mind.

I am grateful for those that are in my life and I have come to know as true friends, the ones that allow me to change my mind and not hold me to those opinions I once viewed as correct. The one's that I tell "there is nothing wrong" and they break down those walls because they care enough. To those I've lost, I thank you for your time spent with me on the journey and wish you the very best as you continue on without me.