Damages

I sometimes wish I could rewrite my story. Start all over or at least from about age twelve. I'm not thinking along the lines of making a New Year's resolution, I mean erase and start a new.  I wouldn't delete too many scenario's from my life's story, just the one's I think I could have done without. I'm so blemished due to things that took place in my life. I wish I wasn't exposed to that pornographic magazine with those images, that still have my mind fucked up about sex till this day. Some would say it was a good thing. Since I married my high school sweetheart and have only been with him sexually and I'm happy as I could be with our marriage however, there are still times when I have to fight the thoughts that sex is dirty. I wish I wasn't so shut off and unable to show emotion more often without fear.  I wish I could have gone to college and been a little wild and had my children at about age twenty five instead of age eighteen. I wish I didn't feel like I'm playing catch up with the clubbing and going out. I wish I wasn't so often misunderstood.  I wish I didn't look to others for approval on some things. I wish I could freely and honestly express how I feel.  I wish I never met some of those people from my past. I wish my brother was still alive. I wish I hadn't shared that information with anyone regarding that Lil attraction I felt for him.....especially my husband. I wish I didn't know that was your opinion about the situation. I wish we never had that conversation.  I wish you hadn't found and read my journal which contained very personal thoughts. Since I can't do a reprint on my life, I'll just have to take these things and learn from them.  Don't misunderstand... my life isn't terrible, for the most part I have it good. Like many others I just think if things were different or I made different decisions things would be better. Like maybe I could be further in my life. Who knows, things could be worst. I have to continually reassure myself that all of the experiences I've had, have shaped and molded me to be who I am and for that I give thanks and press on. Overall even with the damages I'm hopeful and eternally grateful!! Imagine Me!